GOD TOLD TO STAND DOWN AS END OF EXISTENCE LOOMS

Several Christian groups are tied up in complex legal battles this week and with threats of even more to come, all as plans for god’s destruction of all humankind still go ahead unaffected. The cases have been a long time coming, with god’s quite vocal and flagrant disregard for the world being on the lips of many for centuries. The situation all came to head recently as the predicted date for the end of his ‘big experiment’ rapidly approaches, with the collective sentiment only growing in disfavour and anxiety by the day.

Many of the naturally concerned have been flooding the groups with pleas and letters, though the groups also claim to be receiving increasing numbers of aggressive propositions and death threats.
“What the hell does he think he’s doing? I’ve got kids, and a mortgage!”
“I’m not having my streets overflowing with sulphur and blood, he’s having a laugh if he thinks we’re gonna let that happen.”
Comments have been much more of the same from the public for the past few days, made only the more worse by news that now ‘The end is at hand’.

The groups have responded by trying to alleviate terror and misinformation in the public domain.
“This has all happened before, last time it was Ezra. Every time a populist apocalypse comes along everyone has to go and panic.”
But frankly for some journalists their plaintive words just aren’t comforting enough. What gives these people the right to toy with the lives of us and our children like this? Who sanctions them to take life and morality into their own hands? I feel that I can’t be the only one that isn’t willing to let that happen.

BEIJING TRAINING SESSIONS BREAK NEW OLYMPIC RECORD, NUMBER OF DISSENDENTS QUASHED IN A MINUTE

News coming in from reporters stationed overseas during the pre-olympic warm-ups has revealed that protesters have been joining in with the spirit of the games. Thousands of protesters and other enemies of the state have been rounded up into three large pens in which they must stay during the duration of the games, if at any point one of them protests outside of the zone then the clock will be started and the police and riot squad will be after them. So far people of all nations have competed in the event, British activist Brian Bennon managed to completely evade the Chinese authorities and reach his hotel before the police broke down his door and spazzed-in his knees.

This comes following news that the standard 38 disciplines will be amended this year due to the gymnastics olympians slipping subtle political messages in their theatrical set pieces. Gymnast Mira Higgis denied the olympic committee’s allegations that her piece paralleled the Tiananmen Square incident, and that the twists and slides and dives were inconsequential to the committee’s belief that they depicted people taking shotgun blasts.

Media services have already swarmed on the news with several channels already setting up live 24 hour broadcasts of the contestant’s pens with in the field reporters ready to follow and interview a rogue protest if and when it happens. So far the Chinese forces have reported being “excited and optimistic” about the events, some even commenting in passing that this should have been done years ago as it deals with dissidents and makes them feel like they are fulfilling a really important role in the international profile of the country.

BORIS JOHNSON FUCKS GHERKIN

building after introducing new London commercial buildings tax.

This week London’s new mayor of calamity has been bumbling over his new tax ideas, yet another half-baked, half-arsed and blurted out idea from an increasingly useless figure. Trying yet again to please reporters, Boris decided that he would put up yet another ‘green’ policy which serves to take money from companies and the average consumer just due to some pathetic concern for the environment. And where is the money really going? To hippies and the unemployed who wear sandals and who won’t even be hit by the tax as they probably don’t go out to the shops and buy things like decent people.

The independent governmental criticism committee, ‘Make Policy History’, said this about the mayor’s plans:
“Mayor Johnson is just riding this new wave of superficial price increases disguised as environmental issues, this latest measure to backdate the carbon footprint of buildings is a ridiculous scheme which hits everyone and which benefits no-one except moss, animals and illegal immigrants.”
We paid for our carbon when we built these buildings, now the mayor wants to tax us again just because he has the power to do so!

So called government analysts, because that’s their job title, reckon that the new tax could raise up to umpteen million pounds and prove to lower the carbon footprint of London by up to 30% over the next three years. That is government spin. Reading between the lines, the new tax will give every immigrant a Porsche and we will no longer be able to afford our decent hard earned carbon emissions. If Boris Johnson has his way, London will become a city where real citizens can no longer afford to live and queers get government subsidy.

COMPANIES FORCED TO RECRUIT FROM 17TH CENTURY DUE TO NEW GOVERNMENT QUOTAS

New government regulations for PLC companies have come into effect which require all firms to keep a percentage of staff of various sexualities, mentalities, ethnicities and duplicities. Some employers are having to find, create or make up different social and cultural designations just to keep up with their quotas. Others have resorted to taking on comatose patients, the clinically insane and animals for entirely cosmetic positions. This “diversity”, this attempt at “multiculturalism” is a PC attempt at perverting areas of this country which are culturally populated by honest, hard-working, honest, working white-Britons. Why force companies to employ people into positions which just aren’t meant to be? White men can’t rap, women can’t operate cameras, heterosexual men famously can’t work in show business. So why change the cultural landscape of our country’s trades?

Harker & Torson, ombudsman for jobs and fair employment, revealed that the most common phrase to hear in job interviews is “I’m gay and an Atheist. How many points do I get?”. People are getting jobs not based on the fact that they are skilled, or have the experience, because let’s face it these are office jobs which only involve pushing imaginary numbers around, but they are being employed because their kind is grossly disproportionately represented. Despicable.

At the EmployoCorr Agency in Dunfirmland, project leader Mandy is having to deal with massively increased workloads due to sheer volume of minority employees needing to be outsourced. Their temporal distortion device has been grabbing and housing people since before the laws came into effects in preparation for the sudden spike in demand. Mandy said about her job: “You know I think it’s nice to have a different type of people with different skills and social experience.”

No Mandy it’s not. IT’S NOT!

“VIDEOGAMES TURN CHILDREN INTO SHITS”, new research confirms

Television, the internet and videogames. The process of elimination told us that one of them had to be responsible for bad behaviour amongst youngsters, new research published earlier this week at the Institute of Specious Reasoning confirmed videogames’ role in the growing youth problem. Of the 1500 teenagers tested, 5 out of 10 admitted to enjoying playing the game which featured violent content. Game creators contest that fictional violence is a perfectly acceptable means toward cathartic entertainment and that beating a prostitute to death is not at all ‘wrong’, people who enjoy such graphic imagery should be strung up!

The violence does not just stay fictional as these so called ‘entertainers’ would have you believe, there have been literally several cases of teenagers admitting that videogames where wholly responsible for their crimes! Videogames’ influence can be seen in almost all youth crimes, the youths involved owning or having played or simply knowing of the existence a piece of electronic gaming is as good as a direct admission of videogames’ accountability.
“These videogames are putting almost no effort into raising our children to be decent citizens! It’s disgusting that they refuse to admit responsibility for where they’ve gone wrong, trying to blame everyone but themselves.”

Community projects to try to lower gun and youth crime have even been targeted by the foul corruption of gaming. Church communities within Manchester have been trying to help disillusioned youngsters who are stuck in gangs full of group solidarity and are confused and warped by poor values, “They join gangs with an identity, hanging round with other people like them for a sense of community and security, trying to justify their actions with what they have been told to believe. Obviously it’s very difficult to find any common ground with them.”
The clash with gaming’s influence finally occurred when the church’s building was featured in one particular game, staging a bloody battle within its walls. The rector was appalled, as the fighting didn’t portray the true views of the church.
“The church is not a place you expect to see violent imagery!”

“TERRORISM NOW 4.3 TIMES MORE LIKELY”, says spokesman

for public fear and disinformation.

We’re living in an age where our children are growing up in schools run by Al-Qaeda, even thinking the word muslim is illegal, and 100 megatonne nuclear weaponry could be delivered to our very doorstep due to the postal service’s lax protocols. Now new government revisions to the definition of likely mean that we are literally on the brink of full out war. This is in a month where we have already been told to padlock our bins as a terrorist can get inside and live in there for up to a week, which by government standards is seen as passively supporting terrorism.

Joint European and American taskforces have been tackling the problem of terrorism for almost seven years now, but it has only recently come to light that they had accidentally invaded completely the wrong countries. At the same time terrorism has been escalating with literally 1 in every 10 children having been or known or made up someone affected in some way by an act of terrorism, or at least one mentioned in the media. Parents are doing the best they can to protect their children by shuttling them around in 6 foot high bullet-proof armoured personnel carriers, although that is nothing to do with terrorism. Fear is at an all time high, we shouted ‘BOMB!’ at several people in the street and almost all of them screamed in terror.

But this is all set to change with the introduction of Personality cards, which are to be mandatory to apply for and carry. These Personality cards contain details on your expressions, opinions, political leanings and potential sympathy to certain causes, all gained access to via lengthy lie detector sessions and months of extensive background checks. This coupled with GPS tracking sensors and CCTV cameras means that any suspicious or potentially dangerous characters will be automatically tracked and monitored intensively throughout their day, leaving good hard working citizens protected.

ADVERTISING COMPANY USES UNUSUAL TACTICS TO SELL PRODUCT, world still in shock

Just sitting down to a hard earned dinner after an honest day’s work, the pre heated microwave meal simmering in its nucleated plastic container. But there, in the comfort and security of your own sofa your family’s quality time is ruined by the placement of sickeningly dishonest and atypical advertisements on the television. Their in your home, whilst in the presence of your children, you are forced to witness people engage in unfamiliar activities and practices. You are made to endure people who you have no connection in interests or lifestyle with engage in fictional and completely contrite situations to sell you new products. It’s sickening. It’s sickening that these advertisements do not cater to the vast, vast majority of normal, ordinary hardworking people and instead try to debase our television with social variations for no other reason that experimentation, modernity and a more gripping sense of interest and excitement.

The overwhelming response from viewers was felt, as literally several of you phoned in to immediately complain. After this shocking backlash from the public, we went to confront the advertising brand in question but were met only with an official press release:
“The advert in question has been suspended due to viewer requests, we trialled the advertisement in good faith based on recommendations however these recommendations later proved to be wrong. In turn we pledge that our future advertisement will be completely lacking in social variation and reform, whilst enforcing an unwavering sense of political and sociological heterodoxy and also instilling old fashioned and unchanging family models and values.”

We attempted to ask further questions about the company’s own sense of responsibility for the thousands of children who could have possibly been enriched or informed by the adverts, but they refused to allow us access to the building after they misinterpreted my honest curiosity at how their CEO Mr Baxter’s private life was going as blackmail. We can be fairly sure that their speedy decision to call the police shows that as a company they have something to hide.

TELEVISION PERSONALITY HAS QUESTIONABLE CHARACTERISTIC, speculation below

Jeff Wheaters, signed multi gold-plated musician and former teen heartthrob was spotted earlier today running from his home in a flurried panic as our fleet of journalists calmly approached him. This is following news that there has been vague unspecific talk of an indistinct happening in or near his person. Our ever vigilant reporters however were able to liberate some clues and information that Mr Wheaters had arrogantly disposed of. From the half eaten bananas and receipts for health drinks we can quite clearly see the beginnings of an eating disorder possibly brought on by the constant stress of his position in the public eye and the several allegations of homosexuality (some of which this paper may have been proxy to announce).

With Mr Wheaters taking his career to new places with his first film role, do his co-workers and producers need to be aware of this unclear worry? There are many financial backers and heaps of money riding on the film’s and his success, what would happen if some public well-trusted source revealed unverified truths about him? They say all publicity is good publicity, and in the case of Wheater’s newly acquired gay following his publicist would be inclined to agree. But if, for instance, the indistinct truth was about his embezzlement and suspect relationship with his financial backers, then it wouldn’t be surprising if his entire career was cynically and expertly demolished. That kind of information which could destroy careers, sink a film and put out of jobs the thousands of people working on it might come as shocking and worrying news to those people working on it.

Wheater’s long suffering mother, who has often been at the very centre of controversy, just pleads that the public leave her son alone and let him live his own life. Which can only make you wonder what it is that her son is doing that she’d not want the public to see.

THOUSANDS OF SCAPEGOATS ENTERING COUNTRY ILLEGALLY

It was brought to The Daily Hate Mail's attention by credible sources earlier this week that government officials are not only condoning but actively encouraging (through negligence) the illegal transit of undesirables onto our very shores. Taking subsidised luxury transport containers and gaining entry through ports, ferry terminals and manhole covers, they then continue to sponge off of society. Coming over here, taking our menial jobs for below minimum wage. Rod Spall talked to government minister for the departmental department of racism and departments earlier today.
"I think before we jump to the facts, we've got to look at the bigger picture here and ask 'Do I really want to resign over this?'" After making his statement, the minister refused to answer any of my further questions, which only shows his complicity in the matter and certainly draws suspicion on allegations that he has been having an affair with his wife.

Despite the government's lukewarm reactions over this massive disaster that does not mean that there is nothing to fear from this social pandemic, they are thought to be responsible for AIDS, the collapse of the financial market, natural disasters and the death of Diana Princess of Wales. Government spokesman for Health and science had nothing to say on the Hate Mail’s well founded concern and refused to comment, but we did happen to accidentally glance at an email which was on the minister’s screen while we were in his office which showed that not only was their growing worry among the government but also that the minister seeks help for his penile and erectile difficulties.

Amongst those most affected are the hard working, decent, honest, working, employed, working men and women, who have to shoulder the burden of looking at brown people. On the street!