BEIJING TRAINING SESSIONS BREAK NEW OLYMPIC RECORD, NUMBER OF DISSENDENTS QUASHED IN A MINUTE

News coming in from reporters stationed overseas during the pre-olympic warm-ups has revealed that protesters have been joining in with the spirit of the games. Thousands of protesters and other enemies of the state have been rounded up into three large pens in which they must stay during the duration of the games, if at any point one of them protests outside of the zone then the clock will be started and the police and riot squad will be after them. So far people of all nations have competed in the event, British activist Brian Bennon managed to completely evade the Chinese authorities and reach his hotel before the police broke down his door and spazzed-in his knees.

This comes following news that the standard 38 disciplines will be amended this year due to the gymnastics olympians slipping subtle political messages in their theatrical set pieces. Gymnast Mira Higgis denied the olympic committee’s allegations that her piece paralleled the Tiananmen Square incident, and that the twists and slides and dives were inconsequential to the committee’s belief that they depicted people taking shotgun blasts.

Media services have already swarmed on the news with several channels already setting up live 24 hour broadcasts of the contestant’s pens with in the field reporters ready to follow and interview a rogue protest if and when it happens. So far the Chinese forces have reported being “excited and optimistic” about the events, some even commenting in passing that this should have been done years ago as it deals with dissidents and makes them feel like they are fulfilling a really important role in the international profile of the country.

BORIS JOHNSON FUCKS GHERKIN

building after introducing new London commercial buildings tax.

This week London’s new mayor of calamity has been bumbling over his new tax ideas, yet another half-baked, half-arsed and blurted out idea from an increasingly useless figure. Trying yet again to please reporters, Boris decided that he would put up yet another ‘green’ policy which serves to take money from companies and the average consumer just due to some pathetic concern for the environment. And where is the money really going? To hippies and the unemployed who wear sandals and who won’t even be hit by the tax as they probably don’t go out to the shops and buy things like decent people.

The independent governmental criticism committee, ‘Make Policy History’, said this about the mayor’s plans:
“Mayor Johnson is just riding this new wave of superficial price increases disguised as environmental issues, this latest measure to backdate the carbon footprint of buildings is a ridiculous scheme which hits everyone and which benefits no-one except moss, animals and illegal immigrants.”
We paid for our carbon when we built these buildings, now the mayor wants to tax us again just because he has the power to do so!

So called government analysts, because that’s their job title, reckon that the new tax could raise up to umpteen million pounds and prove to lower the carbon footprint of London by up to 30% over the next three years. That is government spin. Reading between the lines, the new tax will give every immigrant a Porsche and we will no longer be able to afford our decent hard earned carbon emissions. If Boris Johnson has his way, London will become a city where real citizens can no longer afford to live and queers get government subsidy.