“TERRORISM NOW 4.3 TIMES MORE LIKELY”, says spokesman

for public fear and disinformation.

We’re living in an age where our children are growing up in schools run by Al-Qaeda, even thinking the word muslim is illegal, and 100 megatonne nuclear weaponry could be delivered to our very doorstep due to the postal service’s lax protocols. Now new government revisions to the definition of likely mean that we are literally on the brink of full out war. This is in a month where we have already been told to padlock our bins as a terrorist can get inside and live in there for up to a week, which by government standards is seen as passively supporting terrorism.

Joint European and American taskforces have been tackling the problem of terrorism for almost seven years now, but it has only recently come to light that they had accidentally invaded completely the wrong countries. At the same time terrorism has been escalating with literally 1 in every 10 children having been or known or made up someone affected in some way by an act of terrorism, or at least one mentioned in the media. Parents are doing the best they can to protect their children by shuttling them around in 6 foot high bullet-proof armoured personnel carriers, although that is nothing to do with terrorism. Fear is at an all time high, we shouted ‘BOMB!’ at several people in the street and almost all of them screamed in terror.

But this is all set to change with the introduction of Personality cards, which are to be mandatory to apply for and carry. These Personality cards contain details on your expressions, opinions, political leanings and potential sympathy to certain causes, all gained access to via lengthy lie detector sessions and months of extensive background checks. This coupled with GPS tracking sensors and CCTV cameras means that any suspicious or potentially dangerous characters will be automatically tracked and monitored intensively throughout their day, leaving good hard working citizens protected.